Scroll 1: Scotsmen make for poor scouts
Welcome to RR Cooper’s Cockamamie Cavalcade of Cozy Tales. In these series, I’ll take a writing prompt from somewhere, write a very short story, and then read it out loud for you.
For today’s episode you can definitely tell that I had been watching Star Trek The Lower Decks, which I can heartily recommend , absolutely brilliant show.
The prompt was as follows:
QUOTE
Your friend brought a baby alien back from his/her exploration mission. It’s adorable, but… how are you supposed to care for it?
END QUOTE
I’m a big fan of those humans are weird space orcs genre of internet fiction, particularly those that are about how we will pack bond with almost anything, and you can definitely see that coming through here.
Anyway, enough preamble, here was my answer.
START OF TEXT
The recorder made an audible click as Matthias Chavarro Tori finished his audio diary for the day. Mattie, as he was known by most everyone, never imagined he would be sending a diary like that back to the Ministry for Space Exploration.
Although, in service to fairness, Sebastian Willoughby White, the rather unfortunate civil servant who had to first hear and transcribe Mattie’s tape, also had never imagined he would be receiving a diary like that either.
The transcription read thus:
Private diary of Mattie…. Ehh… I mean, Matthias Chavarro Tori, Master Scout 3rd class, Cupid Division. Currently in residence at the All Purpose Research Station Zero Zero Two for planet designated Cupid-Delta-Four, affectionately nicknamed Cudef. Universal Date is Freda 28 of Janus in the 17th year of the Rattian Era. Which I still believe sounds dumb and we should have gone with Hippopotamian Era instead. That is a much classier era name. [Sound of a lighter being clicked]
Today Junior Explorer O’Broin brought in a native creature. In his own words, quote:
[The following was said in a bad immitation of a Uniceltic accent]
“They’re harmless wee beasties, I’ve watched o’er ‘em for a long while. Don’t get much bigger than a dag they do, about ye’ high”.
End quote. O’Broin then proceded to indicate a measurement of about 50 tribits, so about waist level of a genetic base Human with no growth traits or similar modifications.
As for the creature itself, it was quite small, covered by two layers of fur, one longer and thin, the other short and thick. The fur makes for a rather pleasant sensation with petting it.
The creature was baptized as Harry by one of our Australinesian mechanics because quote: “He looks like me mate Harry. Odd geezer Harry is. Covered in hair just like this one.” End quote.
As we got to know Harry better, we became aware of some characteristics that lead to some rather unfortunate accidents… I mean, very few accidents are fortunate, but our unfortunate were really unfortunate, and our fortunate accidents very fortunate… So, for balance sake, I should probably say that we had accidents, neutral, they sorted themselves out.
A good example would be Harry’s third eye, a big white, cute looking blob with a dark dot in the middle… Or so you would think. Actually it is a paralyzing agent delivery system that looks like an eye. And due to its roundness and size, you can’t help but look at it. Three researchers, one soldier, and myself fell prey to that particular trap.
Harry is surprisingly docile and rather smart. He understands commands just like you’d expect from any B-tier intelligence creature would… Ehh… That means smarter than a dog, dumber than a human… So about your average Extremaduran am I right?! [Sounds of laughter and chortling follow for several minutes] [The following is said while choking with mirth] I’m sorry, please strike that from the record. I can’t get in trouble anymore. I’ve done sensitivity training once, and Mistress Devonia is not a kind teacher.
[Sighs] A further unexpected accident was Harry’s enthusiastic metabolism. Apparently the place where O’Broin first encountered Harry’s species is just a weening ground. The adults of the species grow up to be about the size of small surface exploration vehicle.
Harry’s size made the procuring of food quite a challenge at the beginning. Until we discovered that Harry’s digestive system can handle most biological matter. This includes food past its consumption date, the detritus of several different species, even plant and animal life that would kill any other being that tried to eat it.
Another advantage is the “garden of surgically thin spears” that is his mouth, as described by our head veterinarian Dr. Choclo, has come in handy every now and again.
As a matter of fact not that long ago it managed to get O’Broin out of a small misunderstanding about a Cudefian’s farmer daughter. [Very deliberate coughing and clearing of throat] Well it concerned the farmer’s son as well, and it might perhaps have involved the farmer’s wife too.
Let’s just say that in that old Vitrian refrain that goes: ”Humans, the universe’s greatest entertainment.” O’Broin puts the emphasis on greatest.
Anyway, Harry managed to intervene while we explained to the farmer that O’Broin was just being rather friendly. In the end, Harry’s forest of spears which were holding the farmer by its belt, managed to convince him.
As this report reflects, Harry has been a mixed presence. I would like to state for the record that I believe that Harry has landed on the positive side.
Which is why I’m also extremely pleased to recommend Harry for an official title within the Ministry, that of “Auxiliary Companion 1st Class”. With this recording you’ll find attached the appropriate forms.
[Sound of air going out of lungs rather quickly ensues followed by the sound of trashing]
Henrietta! Henrietta! Get down! You bloody three-eyed mop! Daddy’s recording.
[Sounds of gruff but playful barking]
I’d also like to request the delivery of more refuse to our base. Harry has, well, sprouted is probably the closest way to describe it, a litter of pups. Any assistance to take care and train these new recruits would be appreciated.
Master Scout 3rd class Matthias Chavarro Tori signing out. [Sounds of playful barking are heard until the recording abruptly cuts off]
END OF TEXT
Well, that’s it for today’s episode, I hope you enjoyed it. All that is left to say is from my house to yours, good day, and a pleasant evening.
