Scroll 4: Confess
The High Inquisitor pounded the table in anger. The table, peppered with knot holes from the inquisitor’s mailed fist, wondered what it’s ancestors had done to merit such treatment. Then thought better about it, and remembered that a table really has no business wondering about its circumstances. It finally concluded to just bear it and instead thought of the nice cleaning lady who uses the lemon scented cleaner.
“Confess your thousands of crimes, you unholy arse worm!” screamed the Grand Inquisitor at Rexius. The village chief squirmed in his seat, he knew that he was no arse-worm, but was so terrified that he was trying his best to look like one. This did not placate the Grand Inquisitor, who really disliked it when people didn’t live up to his, admittedly high, aspirations.
The Grand Inquisitor’s actual name was Prudence. His mother, a very pious woman, thought that a name based on a virtue would be very appropriate for a future priest. Which of course she was sure her little baby would grow up to be. She just needed to feel the pressure of those yellow coloured eyes upon her. They seemed to say, “Confess”.
Yellow was an odd colour for eyes. The Grand Inquisitor’s mother guessed it might have been due to her late husband’s constant drinking. Her theorem was that her husband had drank so much; that the last time she had been forced to satisfy the compact of marriage some ale had leaked out into her, staining her baby’s eyes that piercing yellow.
Mercifully, The Grand Inquisitor had managed to meld the many beatings he received due to his name with his mother’s enthusiastic pursue of religion and turn it into a very successful and profitable career with the Church. His now elderly mother would send letters every month telling him how terrified her neighbours would look whenever his name was brought up. This, of course, pleased The Grand Inquisitor. Who loved both his mother and striking fear into the hearts of sinners.
The reason I’m giving you his backstory, honoured reader, is to impress upon you how effective The Grand Inquisitor was at his job. And why even though Rexius, the aforementioned village chief, really wanted to. He couldn’t give The Grand Inquisitor what he wanted.
“Ok, you pulsating pus-flavoured putrefact growth,” said The Grand Inquisitor, whose abuse of language had been brought up in a couple of peer reviews, “Confess. Tell me where the witch has scuttled off to.”
Rexius tried to sigh, but his lips and face were too swollen to actually expel a sufficient amount of air to be called a sigh.
“I’m terribly sorry inquisitor, I really don’t know,” said Rexius, and then let out another not-quite sigh.
“GRAND! Inquisitor,” the Grand Inquisitor said, “As very soon you will find out, I’m a CUT above other inquisitors.”
Rexius winced at the sharp inflection The Grand Inquisitor gave to “Cut”.
“I honestly don’t know what you want from me,” said Rexius, “ I already told you, the witch is gone.”
“The witch cannot be gone. She’s only human.”
“Only witch you mean.”
“Silence you arse-worm. She’s both. A demon’s bride. Fit only for the pits of hells.”
“You don’t get it. She left without a trace, because she is an actual witch. Not a lady of the woods.”
Rexius would have offered this explanation earlier, but the first six days of his confinement consisted of a breakfast, brutal beatings, lunch, more brutal beatings, tea with a biscuit, brutal interrogation, supper, and perhaps a late night brutal beating, if the inquisitors were trying to outdo themselves.
The Grand Inquisitor believed that people were like meat, if you softened them before cooking, you get better results. Only until today had his gag been removed. But now, for the first time in the week since Rexius had been brought here, The Grand Inquisitor changed his expression from his Holy Fury(TM) to his Mildly Confused(Patent Pending).
“What nonsense are you spouting heretic? All Lady of The Woods are witches, by definition,” said The Grand Inquisitor.
“Not this one. Listen. I’m not an amateur either. How old are you?”
“Twenty-seven,” confessed the now much younger looking Grand Inquisitor.
“Twenty-seven?!? You’re a mewling baby. I’m 72, by the time you were just being weaned of your mother’s tits I had already burned over 30 witches.”
The Grand Inquisitor struck Rexius. Purely out of principle, and maybe the bit about his mother’s tits. The Grand Inquisitor did not like to think about his mother’s anything during interrogations. He was afraid he might enjoy it.
“Terribly sorry Rexius, but it was warranted,” said The Grand Inquisitor as gracefully as possible, “Ok, I’m now ready to listen. Tell me everything.”
“No worries, I understand. It’s the principle of the matter,” said Rexius. The Grand Inquisitor nodded in agreement.
“Very well,” continued Rexius, “I will tell you everything.”
Rexius then proceeded to tell The Grand Inquisitor, everything, well, almost.
The whole affair started when a new Lady Of The Woods moved into their village.
Now, everyone knows that being a Lady of The Woods is dangerous. But since they’re a combination of doctor, advisor, teacher, and chemist, they are able to earn incredible profits. Most Ladies are just highly educated women really. Which of course means that there is at least a sixty-percent chance that the local village will blame them for any woes that befall them and try to burn their Lady at the stake.
In this modern times however, this occurs less and less often of course. Some Ladies hire mercenaries, who are very eager to defend a very agreeable person from a bunch of ragtag peasants. If the Lady can’t afford mercenaries, she just bribes the peasants, sometimes by offering discounts on services for a year or so.
There are even places where the annual burning of the witch is a massive celebration, and the local Lady of The Woods is an honoured guest, and the burning is merely symbolic.
This was not the case in the village of Hogington. Hogington, true to its name, was a town of swineherds, along with this there were butchers, bakers and candlestick makers to round out the needed professions in the town. Hogington also had some very famous restaurants, although due to the smell, patrons had to be particularly dedicated to enjoy their meals.
So when a new Lady Of the Woods moved in, everyone was wondering why she had chosen Hogington. When Rexius asked her, the Lady, whose name was Drusilia, answered: “Because I love pork rinds.”
Rexius explained that of course he understood. Hoginton’s pork rinds were famous the world over, or at least famous about 100 miles around Hoginton. But he had a hard time believing someone would move to Hogington just for the pork rinds.
“We did everything as per instructions,” said Rexius, “people would shun her during the day, maybe throw an apple her way even, if anyone was up for it. Then at night, everyone would go to her cottage with their problems. I can’t bed my wife, I can’t get pregnant, my crops are failing, my husband won’t stop bedding other people. The usual you know.”
Rexius explained that not only did the Lady fix those issues. She fixed a handful of others. One day, she simply walked into the tanning district and asked them why they did the tanning inside the town where it would stink up everything?
The tanners of course told her, “Lady, where else could we go?
Drusilia snapped her fingers and told them to follow the new dirt road from the eastern part of town and that about one hour away by horse they will find a valley where they can tan all day long.
She did the same for the swineherds, the butchers and the candlestick makers. All of them moved out of the town into properties she owned.
“Ah, usury! The cheapest of crimes. I’m sure she charged outrageous prices for this and threatened to turn your baby’s toes into jam if you didn’t comply,” exclaimed The High Inquisitor, who was growing tired of this witch’s benevolence.
“Not really. She didn’t charge us, and after she expelled some of the lazier artisans, she gave the land to the town. We own it now, and as long as it’s never sold to a private citizen, the land is ours to use,” answered Rexius apologetically.
“I see. Continue then, I’m sure we will find something,” said The High Inquisitor. Who was trying to hide his disappointment at the sub-par quality of the sins so far.
“Unfortunately High Inquisitor, that’s basically it. Drusilia left shortly after that, her house is empty but clean. There are no signs of her anywhere.”
“Hmm, no ash in the shape of a phallus?”
“No”
“No cats walking on two legs?”
“Not really”
“No hellish fumes, like a combination of rotten eggs and wet weasels?”
“That’s just Tauberius, but he’s taking a medicine for it.”
“I see… Master Rexius it seems like you might just have run into a very wealthy patroness,” said The High Inquisitor, who for all his passion for hunting heretics, was a rather polite man in his private life.
“What do you mean?”
“Well my dear sir, look at the evidence. Everything she ever did could be explained away by hiring enough workers for it. Giving you the land is perhaps a bit more eccentric than usual, but not that out of the norm for the truly wealthy. They tend to be queer like that sometimes,” said The High Inquisitor, a huge smile spread over his face.
“I dare say, we’re terribly sorry about this chap,” continued The High Inquisitor, ”I’ll ask my men to give you a good horse and some provisions. Including some of our strawberries, which are in season.”
“That’s incredibly kind of you High Inquisitor, I’m humbled,” said Rexius.
“Oh poo,” answered The High Inquisitor while waving his hand dismissively and calling over some of his men.
That night, one of the kingdom’s far riders spotted a woman riding alone on a palace horse. After stopping stopped the woman, he asked for her papers.
The woman pulled out a very impressive looking letter with the even more impressive looking seal of The High Inquisitor stamped on it. The guard had heard rumours about The High Inquisitor, so he just let the woman go on her way.
The woman thanked him and popped a rather delicious looking strawberry into her mouth, as she made her way back to Hogington.
Scroll 4: Confess
Voice over done by Harry Frost(https://www.facebook.com/bellowsaudio)
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